06.16.2005 @ 9:59 pm
Small update so I'll use the multi bulleted effect for, heh, effect.
Passed out in Lauren's kitchen on Saturday. Wish I could say if it was fun or not but I can't cuz I don't remember. Chalked it up to mental/emotional/physical exhaustion, she put me to bed and that was that. Woke up Sunday morning from nightmares or rather, night terrors. Something hokie is going on in my body. Left work early on Monday to go to a doctors appointment with Lauren. Passed out in the shower. We went to the diner afterwards and I was shaking, sweating and my pupils were dialated. Things do not look good for our heroine, folks. Tuesday at work I was talking with my boss in the office and couldn't stop sweating. Felt faint. Couldn't breathe. Finally gave in and left around 2:30 and went to the doctor. Had a full out no holds barred panic/anxiety attack and didn't leave there till 5 with a prescription of Xanex in hand and glucose tablets. Had a note to stay home from work for Wednesday and Thursday. Lauren came Wednesday night to watch me shower so I wouldn't pass out again. Have I mentioned lately how retarded I am over her and how much I appreciate her putting her needing alone time on hold to come here for an hour and 45 minutes just so I could shower. People don't come any better than that I tell ya. Went to work today. Mostly because I'm stubborn and didn't want to lose another day. I felt okay, still a little dizzy now and then but moslty I'm pretty sure I'll live. If I don't, well then that's that. Divide my possesions amongst yourselves. ::shrug::
Unofficially, I have low blood sugar. It hovers anywhere between 40 and 90 no matter what I eat. There could be a whole other host of things wrong but my uninsured ass can't afford the bloodwork, so right now we'll stick with low blood sugar and leaving it at that. I'm not even gonna try and explain and/or list the other possibilities. Just not gonna get myself or anyone else worked up over something that could be nothing. I have my dad's testing kit so I've been testing before and after I eat and at night. I'm also taking Xanex 3 times a day to try and stop the anxiety/panic attacks. Yeah, okay. That's like telling me to stop thinking. Just not gonna happen. And the attacks happen because my brain is constantly running on a treadmill of 'what-ifs' and 'what-abouts' and 'whens' that the only time it's really at rest is when I'm sleeping. Even then I'd say it's iffy based on the whole night terror thing.
I dunno. I mean, I'm 31. I've kicked around life so far and it's kicked me back. Hard. I've had my run-ins and runaways with life, love and the pursuit of some sort of happiness. Most times I've settled for okay or fine or alright. I'm not feeling so alright about things lately. I'm feeling more like I want my life to start now. I feel like I've made this huge revelation and finally stopped being so damn scared about everything I feel and have felt in the past year about my life and what I want and what will make me happy and it's right there. But I can't reach it. And it's frustrating and making me crazy but I just keep telling myself that this is just a moment in time compared to everything else. Compared to everything that's over there just out of my reach right now, this will pass and it'll be a moment and what's waiting afterward will be so much better. It has to be, because right now other than the pillows all over my bed it's all I've got to hold onto right now. And the cats. The cats are cool.
. . .where i've been // where i'm going. . .
08.02.2005 - Untitled
07.20.2005 - Obligitory link
07.03.2005 - till then
06.16.2005 - Multi-bulleted Update
06.16.2005 - Coldplay, 'Green Eyes'