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06.02.2005 @ 10:10 pm

Just got off the phone with Lauren. She's in Georgia for her brother's wedding. . .with her ex. ::sigh:: Why am I not there? Money. I couldn't afford to split the hotel and rental car and pay for my own flight. Fucking hell. So what's the logical thing to do? Ask your ex girlfriend.

I should have just asked my mother for the money and spent the rest of my life paying her back. I've had knots in my stomach since the last time I saw her on Tuesday night when I suprised her with a short visit after I got home from work.

But no, instead I'm here and got a 2 minute phone call before she went to shower and go to bed. Where is she sleeping? Dunno. She said she'd ordered a cot from the hotel so she could sleep in it and give her ex the bed. I highly doubt that her ex would allow that to happen.

I mean come on. Think about it logically. They were together for 5 years and broke up last april. I've been with Lauren since August. Lauren hung out with her for the first time a month ago in the city. Then two more times after that before this weekend. Now, after hanging out for a few hours 3 times after not seeing each other for a year - they go away together for 5 days. She's said that her ex has changed a bit. That she's not the same person she was a year ago. And see, that scares me even more cuz she said they'd never get back together unless she changed.

Well, apparently she has. And I'm freaking the fuck out. See, I know her ex. I've spent time with her and gotten an ear-full about Lauren and their relationship and how Lauren is her world and she'd die for her and how, after they broke up, she was gonna change to the person that Lauren wants her to be becuase she's so in love with her and that she's doing it to get her back as her girlfriend because she knows for a fact how right they are for each other and blah, blah, blah, blah. ad nauseum.

I should have done anything I could to beg, borrow and steal the money I needed to go to this goddamn wedding. I have this sinking feeling it's all gonna come to a head when they get back. I don't want to do the 'what-ifs' but that's the thing. . .I'm really, REALLY good at it. I've got every worst case scenerio running around in my head right now and they all end without Lauren.

And I swore I'd never let a girl get to me like this again. I fucking swore I wouldn't let anyone that far into my life to where I'd be scared shitless to lose them. And yeah, I know I suck at updating and time just flies by sometimes but goddamnit, I've stuck everything out for almost a year. For almost a fucking year I've put up with her best friend telling her that she's in love with her and fucking proposing on christmas day. So we spend our first christmas together talking about that for 4 hours instead of enjoying each others company. And I put up with her not being sure if she was in love with her best friend or not. I stuck around even after she broke up with me to find out if she was in love with her. I even sweat it out when she first told me she was speaking with the ex again on the phone. And I held back a freak out when she told me she was gonna go hang out with her in the city after not seeing each other for over a year since they'd broken up.

I'm tired of getting the short end of the stick. I'm tired of being the one that they leave for someone else. Colleen did it (I fucking know she was talking to asshole steve 3 months before i broke up with her), Anne Marie did it (she went back to her ex and they were going out again even before we officially broke up), Lori did it when she moved to west virginia to be with someone she met online (gee, just like she met me...guess i wasn't good enough) and now I'm afraid it's gonna happen with Lauren. And even if she doesn't leave me FOR her ex? Lauren's the kind of person that would leave to not hurt someone. And I'm afraid of what happened down there. And it's making me crazy. And I wish I was strong enough to get through these last few days without her. But I feel like I'm not. Every part of me misses her so much it hurts.

And fuck me I swore that I'd be ready to lose every single person in my life after I lost Lisa. But I'm not. I'm not fucking ready to lose her to anyone or anything. And I thought I came well prepared, I really did. And I swore I'd be ready for it cuz goddamnit no one was gonna blindside me like that again to where I'd feel the loss physically like I was dying. . .like it was death I'd rather have than live another minute knowing that she wasn't mine. And this is why I keep shit to myself. This is why I don't always say how I feel. Cuz I risked it all and said it all and did it all - and still wound up alone and without her. I just can't fucking handle the thought of losing someone. . .at some point. . .some day. So you know what I do? I clam up. I do everything in my power to show someone I care, but never actually say the words. Never actually say that I'm so fucking retarded over you I can't see straight and I can't think about anything else but what you're doing...Right. This. Second. Or maybe knowing who you're with, I really don't want to know and you probably shouldn't tell me. EVER. Cuz I'll just die. Just the thought of losing you almost destroys me. And how everything I think about in the future revolves around us, not just me anymore. And I'm so fucking retarded over you that yes, go ahead and make fun of me, I sleep with the extra pillows because you're not there - and I've been doing it for a long time. And yeah maybe it's not the white picket fence and rugrats and vacation time like a family and everything you ever dreamed about since you were 16....but you know what? It's more than that cuz it's real and not something you made up in your head. It's reality and for what it's worth as far as I'm concerned? The real stuff is so much better than the fantasy world any day. And goddamnit I just want you to come home so we can get on with our lives and I can stop feeling like I lost a limb. And you know what sucks even worse than all of that? You're the one I'd talk to about it and you're the one that would make me feel better and tell me I'm an idiot for worrying so much. bahhhhh.


. . .where i've been // where i'm going. . .

Last Five:
08.02.2005 - Untitled
07.20.2005 - Obligitory link
07.03.2005 - till then
06.16.2005 - Multi-bulleted Update
06.16.2005 - Coldplay, 'Green Eyes'