06.11.2005 @ 4:27 pm
Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.
Nice thoughts, eh? I thought it was pretty amazing so I had to stick it someplace. You know, I've learned a lot in this past week - and they're probably things I could have gone my entire life and then some without having to learn them. But that's neither here nor there right now. Right now patience is what I have to have. I need to do what needs to be done for others and not what I want selfishly done for myself. And by that I am in no way talking about letting Lauren go because after talking about the events of the wedding, it's what's best for her. I'm done being selfless when it comes to love. I've done the whole, sacrefice myself and my happiness thing so someone else can be happy. I'm just done with it. It's my turn for a change.
A little over a year ago I would have ended it myself. I would have done it because, even though she says it's not what she wants, I'd say deep down I know it is. Though that would be a lie to myself and to her. I would have let her go because it would have been too hard to stick around and get through all the gunk and crud and aftermath. It's not about the 'letting' either. It's about the being. Being here for when she's ready to be us again. And ironically enough, our seperation right now has nothing to do with what happened in the 5 days surrounding her brothers wedding. Which by the way if you came here for a rant or dirt or to hear me spew venom, it's not gonna happen so you should just go on your merry way right now, so sorry you're disappointed, pick up your door prize on the way out.
Our not being around each other right now has to do with her and what she needs, which is time to herself to decompress from the 10 months of build-up for this trip. She and I, we're okay, thanks for asking. It's not perfect but it's not hopeless either. There are things we'll need to work through and talk about to get us back on track. All I know is that she loved me and wanted to continue what 'us' means before she left, and she still loves me and still wants to continue that now that she's back. Everything else in between will be hard but eventually it'll get on track.
For as many people as I've been with, dated, gone out with, had one nighters with, obsessed over, loved, been in love with (or so I thought) - I never fought hard enough for it to work out. I just sort of let it go and gave up when it got hard. But not this time. This is the first time in any relationship that I'm running toward the hurt and the hardness and the difficulty of it all. Cuz I have this feeling that in the end - we'll be okay and we'll be together. It's just the hard stuff that takes the front seat temporarily for now. This is a blip on the radar compared to whats waiting for us. Just wait and see. And I can't really put into words what makes this time different from any other time with any other person. All I know is that it just is, and for me that's good enough.
. . .where i've been // where i'm going. . .
08.02.2005 - Untitled
07.20.2005 - Obligitory link
07.03.2005 - till then
06.16.2005 - Multi-bulleted Update
06.16.2005 - Coldplay, 'Green Eyes'